I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I think I’m having a stroke
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.