My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me, in DM rooms…
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*