My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?