I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
What even happened today?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint