Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.