Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
You Might Also Like
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
just gave your address to some spiders
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Pringles
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me, in DM rooms…
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.