[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Dolls on drugs
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
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Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
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My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus