Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
You Might Also Like
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.