Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Lmao 🤣
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.