Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.