For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
You Might Also Like
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Dance like you’re not the father
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup