Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
In space, no one can hear…
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.