there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
me, too, girl. me, too.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’m calling the cops.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy