C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]