Genius idea!!
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
🤣dope
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
just left a huge legacy in there
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.