Happy Halloween 🎃
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely