The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I see your IQ test came back negative
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.