REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.