[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
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me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I need better friends
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time