nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Worth remembering.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.