My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When he asks for feet pics
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall