Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.