Dance like you’re not the father
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for