if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
You Might Also Like
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
just gave your address to some spiders
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”