The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
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Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence