“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Don’t make me out nice you.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.