I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
What about second breakfast?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.