Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
describing stardew valley
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
oh you wanna fight?!
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?