Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
You Might Also Like
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong