Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
The dark side of Canada
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that