Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
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ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.