Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My doctor says I only have one diabete.