[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Thursday
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me