not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist