Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
okay run it by me one more time
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.