My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp