Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Match dot com, but for socks.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…