I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Liquor Store Parking
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*