waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Why I divorced her.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
this post was so formative to me
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
sleeping beauty
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.