It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?