You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
pizza
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈