Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
You Might Also Like
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!