Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
goldfish mafia
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.