The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…