According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
You Might Also Like
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
s
oc
i
a
l
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Happy Friday
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.