*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
the greatest twitter interaction
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Noah
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I know this now 😂
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.