[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
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I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.