I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH