Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
You Might Also Like
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Lucky old June.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.