god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
How high do the levels go?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.